Friendship DayI'm Alive: Crumpet
by LucyxAnyoneShipper
Summary: Everyone knows to avoid Scary Lucy. What's worse than Scary Lucy? Drunk Scary Lucy!


**Welcome everyone to friendship/I'm alive day! My dear friend Erza D Law invited me to be a part of this day, and even gave me a word to write a story about. Let me tell you, she did not make this easy for me. She could have chosen any word: stress, war, love, toys, peanut butter, etc. Any of those would have been much easier, but no, she chose the word "crumpet" for me to write a story about. I will admit, I had to look up exactly what a crumpet was at first. I had a roundabout idea, but not a definite one. So I came up with a few different story ideas for this word. I think this one is my favorite.**

**Please keep in mind, I do not own Fairy Tail, its characters, or story arcs. They belong to Hiro Mashima. **

**One more note before I get into this: there are words that are misspelled. It is done purposely as are the weird words thrown in here and there. You'll see what I mean. I hope you enjoy it.**

Without further ado, I now present the odd story:

Crumpet

Everyone knew. Everyone that had ever met Lucy knew one absolute truth. Do not let Lucy Heartfilia get drunk. The results are not pretty. She wasn't an angry drunk, well unless someone pushed her buttons. Normally she was a very strangely affectionate drunk. During a typical Fairy Tail party, if Lucy was drunk, she might flirt with everyone present male or female. She might make out with Cana. She had also been known to climb on the tables and strip. Everyone usually enjoyed being around Lucy while she was drunk, at least while she was still single. Now that Lucy had been claimed as mate to Laxus, well let's just say that things are a bit different now. Apparently the same instincts that make all of the dragon slayers possessive of their mates affect Lucy especially when she is drunk. This normally isn't a problem for anyone at Fairy Tail as they know to stay away from Laxus. None of the men or women of the guild would ever try to flirt with the mated dragon. There is a high level of respect for the mated couples. So normally, things stay peaceful and happy...Lucy stays peaceful and happy.

Unfortunately for everyone, they had all decided to go to the local club to celebrate the third anniversary of Gajeel and Cobra's mating. It was 90s night at the club so the music was bumping. Everything was fine at the start of the night. They were all celebrating. It all began to go downhill when Bickslow came up with the bright idea of doing body shots. While this would normally be perfectly fine at the guild, they were now in public with a very intoxicated Lucy.

The biggest mistake of the night came with the decision to hit the dance floor. The women-and Cobra-were all excited about dancing, so they went as a large group. They were all having fun. Mira and Cana were grinding on each other as usual. Bix had Levy almost in tears, she was laughing so hard. Lucy and Laxus were dancing and laughing along with them. Everything was going great, until she showed up.

In the middle of Pony by Ginuwine, some random chick comes up and begins trying to pull Laxus away from Lucy. He shook her hand from his arm and turned back towards Lucy to continue enjoying the evening and to prevent the appearance of Drunk Scary Lucy. This woman refused to take no for an answer and again attempted to pull Laxus away from Lucy. This time, Lucy noticed, and she was not happy.

"Esshuse you. I don't know who you shink you are, but you need to stop off," Lucy told her angrily.

"And why would I want to let a gorgeous man like this go home with some blonde trashy bimbo?" The idiotic woman replied.

Immediately, all of Fairy Tail gathered around the women. Not as backup for Lucy. They all knew she didn't need it. They were worried that they might have to pull her off of the woman though.

Lucy, in her inebriated state, couldn't quite get her brain to deliver the correct words to her mouth, "I beg your pirahna! I am not now nor have I ever been shtrashy or a bimbo! Are you raft? We are a couple, so I'm going to have to ask you to leaf us alone. Shanks."

Not noticing the looks of warning coming from those around her, the woman continued to try to persuade Laxus to leave the club with her.

"Come on big boy. Don't you want to spend the night with a real woman? I mean, I don't know how much you're paying the little blonde whore, but I can give you a much better time for free."

Gajeel winced at the woman's poor decision making skills and went to warn the DJ and the manager that all hell was about to break loose. Within seconds, the DJ was announcing a Code Lucy and asking everyone to leave the building for their own safety.

In the time it took for the club to clear out, a dark menacing aura had taken over the area.

"Lishen here Beach, you need to back the pluck up and go on house. You aren't wanted here. I won't tell you again. You need to leaf ush alone now."

Annoying giggles began pouring from the woman's mouth, "Do you even know who I am?" She asked snobbily.

"No and we don't care neither. She's asked you to leave. He ain't interested, so why don't you do all of us a favor and get the hell out of here!" Gajeel yelled. This woman was ruining his anniversary, and she had upset his kin. Two things he was not in the mood to tolerate.

"Simmer down, porcupine. Let me enlighten you all. My name is Jasmine North. I am a published author and very important in the writer's circles." She replied as if that should impress them all and have them bowing before her.

Instead of the awe and admiration she'd been expecting, she was suddenly surrounded by laughter from all directions. After several minutes of guffawing and giggles, the laughter finally began to quiet down. Jasmine glared at Lucy as if she had physically struck her. She was accustomed to people falling at her feet when she told them that she was a published novelist. Jasmine could not quite figure out what was happening, "Excuse me, but I don't recall making a joke. Can someone please explain to me what you all seem to find so humorous?"

Laxus had finally had enough. He knew not to step in and try to stand up for Lucy. That would just piss her off even more. She was still dealing with some of the insecurities her old team had drilled into her mind. He was done listening to this woman and her crap and decided it was time to shut her down once and for all.

"Listen Jasmine or whoever the hell you claim to be, we are all amused at the fact that you think that being a published author should impress us. I guess you don't realize who it is that you are talking to. Did you know that the woman you have called a whore and a trashy bimbo is none other than the x793 winner of the Zaleon Prize for best new author and two time winner of Fiore's Author of the Year award for x796 and x799, Lucy Heartfilia?"

Taking a step back and shaking her head in disbelief, Jasmine cried, "No! That's impossible! I loved the Adventures of Iris. There is no way that this...this harlot could be her!"

"Let me you sshomthin' you damn crumpet, I am Lucy Heartfilia and this man is mine. He will never be yoursh. We all know that your little book you keep shpoutin off about was only pubic because you did it yourshelf. No shelf-respecting editorial would look twice at that garage you call a noble."

Stalking toward the woman like a dragon hunting prey, Lucy kicked off her heels and put her earrings in Cana's hand as she walked by. Taking a deep breath, Lucy gave the finishing blow, "Fashe it Jasmine the crumpet, my man doeshn't want you. The club here doeshn't want you. No pubic companiesh want you. You aren't wanted. Hmm. Guesh you really aren't as great ash you think you are."

With those words, Laxus grabbed up Lucy and teleported them home while the rest of the group walked past the hateful woman shaking their heads in disgust at her behavior.

The next afternoon, once Lucy had recovered from her hangover, the group had all joined together at Fairy Tail for a late lunch. As they all shared the stories of Drunk Scary Lucy with her, Lucy's face became more and more red. She began to wonder if there was any blood left elsewhere in her body, her face was so hot.

"What I don't get is some of the mixed up words you were using like pubic, editorial, and garage when you were talking to her about her book." Cana asked while nursing her third bloody mary of the day.

"Well, uhm. I can only guess that I meant publish when I said public, editorial is editor, and garage is garbage. I can't believe I got that riled up again!" Lucy cried while slumping over the table.

"Ah come on, Bunny, you were drunk. We know you didn't mean to be so hateful," Gajeel tried to soothe the blushing woman.

"Oh no, Gaj. I meant every word I said to the damn skank that thought she could step in and steal my man while insulting my intelligence. You're damn right I meant that. I just meant that I can't believe I got so drunk I was spouting gibberish instead of intelligent jabs at her." Lucy explained which caused the table to break out into rounds of loud laughter.

"One more word I don't understand, Babe. What did you mean when you called her a crumpet? You were yelling that shit all the way home, and I'm pretty sure you were meaning to call her one of those delicious little bread thingies you make on special occasions for breakfast," Laxus asked while rubbing his mate's back to comfort her.

"I guess I was trying to call her a 'strumpet'. You know a female sex worker. Why I chose to try to say such an archaic term instead of calling her a whore like she called me, who knows? You'd have to ask my drunk brain that. She and I are taking some time away from each other for a while though," Lucy replied calmly while shaking her head at her own actions. This of course, just caused the table to erupt in laughter once more. She may not be able to handle her liquor well, and she may get angry easily, but Lucy was so thankful everyday that she had such amazing people around her as her makeshift family. Through all of the ups and downs, they were there for each other, supporting each other. They may have started off as friends, but now she had a mate, brothers, sisters, a grandfather...a family.


End file.
